Who's Who

Who are you when nobody is watching?

Many of us feel a disjunction between who we were, are and want to be. Over time the roles we play and masks we wear begin to take over. We feel fractured, adrift without a map and become disorientated to our ultimate life purpose.

Self preservation is the contemporary catch phrase. We are asked to function in a highly competitive environment, constantly required to add more value to a world that seems unappreciative and insatiable. There is a vague fear of being left behind and not being up to scratch.

The more we are depleted, the harder nurturing seems to find. Moreover, we are taught to not be seen as needy as neediness results in rejection. Social rejection is experienced as physical pain in the brain.

This creates a perfect storm for a feedback loop based on the principles of operant conditioning. We receive postive reinforcement from people for continuing to perform roles and scripts that concurrently sacrifice our true self.

When people enter a psycho-therapeutic relationship, it involves the casting away of the manufactured shell we have learnt to depend on. Most us long to have the courage to live in line with the sentiments expressed by 19th century French author, Andre Gide:

It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.

The process of psychotherapy is an unfolding. Under a protective wing, we become able to gradually reintroduce our authentic self. The risks of exposing ourselves becomes manageable. We gain confidence to speak from the heart. This in turn opens us up to new experiences, thoughts, feelings and modes of living. We become comfortable in our own skin and able to tolerate the stretching involved in exponential growth.

Let us draw strength from sociologist and philosopher Erich Fromm (1959):

To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment.

Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense ( where distance and possessions are his means of security ) makes himself a prisoner.

To be loved, and to love, needs courage. The courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern - and to take the jump and stake everything on those values.

The task we must set ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.

While psychotherapy can help you through particularly stressful periods, everyday encounters also offer opportunities to heal through connection and conversation. Reach out to others, they may just reach back!

Remember, the future belongs to the curious.