Surviving Sorrow: A Shattered Core

Shattered Hopes.

You wake up one day and life has changed.

Everybody reacts to loss uniquely, however there are features we tend to share. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, yet there are healthier expressions that minimise the fallout.

Understanding grief can go a long way in helping us heal.

Common behavioural reactions:

- Trouble falling asleep or waking up early

- Restlessness or over activity

- Appetite changes

- Withdrawing from others; feeling less interested in the world

- Restlessness or overactivity

- Crying

Common emotional reactions:

- Sadness

- Anger

- Guilt or regret

- Anxiety

- Helplessness

- Shock

- Pining for the person

Not all emotional reactions may feel negative. Emotions are often paradoxical.

You may feel relief or release from the relationship or circumstance. This is common following death after a lengthy or painful illness, or after a break up if your relationship was difficult.

Numbness, or an absence of strong feeling, is also common. Numbness and denial protect us from being flooded by strong emotions. This enables us to continue functioning day to day.

Common cognitive / thinking reactions:

- Disbelief the loss is real

- Confused thinking

- Difficulty concentrating

- Preoccupation and obsessive thoughts

Longing to lose loss

How long does grief last? There is no clear answer. The circumstances around the loss, the nature of the relationship, your personality, past experience with other losses, additional external stressors and social supports all impact how long it takes to recover from grief.

Grieving takes much longer than people think.

You will cope with many new experiences during the first year following a loss. Some people find the second year also difficult. It is helpful to be compassionate with yourself and allow time to adjust without self-recrimination.

Grief comes in waves, so you will not be distressed constantly.

There may be good times and brighter feelings alternating with low ones. These provide moments of respite and offer hope of eventual adjustment. Grief reactions start to fade within six months. As time goes on you will not feel the grief as strongly nor as often.

As you process your loss, grief reactions may pop up episodically, even after many years. Triggers such as songs or special events in your life can re-awaken awareness of loss. Usually nostalgic episodes are short-lived.

Loss before Loss

Grieving can start even before a loss occurs, when you know that a loss is about to happen. This is called Anticipatory Grief. Anticipatory grieving is usually a healthy reaction. It can propel you to start preparing for the loss, so you can cope better in the longer term.

Secret Sorrow

You may try to disguise your grief from others if they do not recognise your relationship to the person or if there is stigma related to the loss. Examples of hidden losses you may choose not to share include the death of an ex-spouse, an unliked partner, an estranged family member or a former friend.

Grief may also be hidden to try to “protect” others. This is seen with children, people with intellectual disabilities and the elderly. If your grief is not known about or supported by others, you may have a harder time adjusting to change.

To help process the loss constructively, choose someone whom you trust to talk with. Explore ways to make sense of what has happened. Try to express and communicate your loss - both for yourself and those whom would benefit from you reaching out.

Frame mourning as a process with tasks:

- Learning to accept the reality of the loss

- Processing the pain of grief

- Adjusting to a changed world

Remember, to feel the pain of loss is to have cared in equal measure. It is a mirror of your humanity, a sign you are living a fuller life.

The hard hits of grief can be softened through community and connection. If you are struggling, reach out and lets start a conversation.

Books and other websites

Here are some helpful resources specifically for children, adolescence and grieving parents.

How Teenagers cope with Grief (Doris Zagdanski)

The Grief of our Children (Dianne McKissock)

Your local library would also a variety of books available for free.

National Association for Loss & Grief. Phone: 02 6882 9222 www.nalag.org.au

Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement. Phone: 1800 642 066 www.grief.org.au

National Centre for Childhood Grief - ‘A Friend’s Place’. Phone: 1300 654 556 www.childhoodgrief.org.au

Compassionate Friends (for bereaved parents). Phone: 02 9290 2355 www.thecompassionatefriends.org.au