Consistency Turns The Curve Upward

How We Love and Feel Loved. An underrated yet vitally important character trait is consistency.

The best way to build a trusting and secure relational dynamic is by continually turning up like the tide. But why is consistency fundamental? How can consistency not cancel out spontaneity? Paradoxically, being consistent can germinate exponential growth, excitement and anticipation in our counterpart. It can offer the very interpersonal conditions necessary for novelty.

Consistency means we can rely on the predictability of the floor beneath us, irrespective of whether we succeed at flying or fall and fail. When our intimate bond remains steady despite external variables, we feel freer to explore ideas and interests without experiencing change as overly threatening. 

As we grow into our skin it further flexes and softens and our protective shell loses its appeal. Emotionally and psychologically soothed we feel safe to reveal, play and connect with new dimensions of our core. In turn, we are enriched and well resourced to bring this vitality back into our relationship. 

Consistency is well documented in child developmental psychology. It features in the theory of how a dynamic style of "attachment" forms between primary caregiver and child.  Our attachment style (secure, insecure anxious, insecure avoidant, or insecure mixed) may rigidly repeat into adulthood, yet more commonly I see clients fluctuate on a continuum specific to the relationship conditions they operate within.

One approach to living is continually asking ourselves: "What do I contribute to my connections?". The simplest method to turn the curve upwards in our relationship is taking ownership of the driving force of positive growth. Envisage becoming the conditions we all need to feel safe, respected and nurtured. Namely, being consistent and predictable in character and response.  By forging positive habituated dynamics, we are less reliant on our counterpart to lift us. We gain self respect and dignity. This is regardless of whether the other matches us. We grow into and beyond ourselves, prioritising attention to our conscience over the lens others lock on us.

With such freedom we come to see ourselves flourish, we feel ourselves expand. As our self respect increases we become more like the partner we ourselves yearn for. Like then attracts like. We gravitate towards others whom share the same values and commitment to a meaningful life. As our self respect and dignity crystallises and stabilises, we become empowered to be our authentic self in all contexts. In this way, our own internal consistency exponentially magnifies. Our lives gain momentum and deepen in quality, meaning and purpose. Carl Jung observed, 

The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.