Trust

Trust involves opening ourselves up to another human being.

Language is influential. Consider how power and control supersedes the value of love and connection in the following common statements:

'You have lost my trust'

'You have earned my trust'.

Now consider your hierarchy of values - love and connection, or power and control?

There are limitations to the commodity paradigm of trust. An alternative is viewing trust like waves on a shore.

Self disclosing simple things creates little apprehension in ourselves or resistance from others. As complexity increases, we become aware of emotional safety. We make an assessment as to whether what we share will be understood. We learn through experience whether a person will be receptive. Over time, we let our guard down as predictability increases.

We each have a threshold where we feel confident a person is emotionally reliable. We feel secure they will be responsive. Thus, we allow ourselves to become interdependent, returning to them as a source of acceptance and nurturing.

Deconstructed, it is apparent how essential a trusting dynamic is to authentic and meaningful interaction. How then do we habituate a trusting dynamic?

Lets look at the tripwires.

As relationship deepens, so does the risk with each transparent encounter. While most can weather a few slights to our sense of self, as we approach ever deeper revelations sensitivity to rejection escalates.

In many ways, we are our feelings - we align our personhood with the thoughts and beliefs attached to our emotions.

When someone we love and respect treats our expressions of self carelessly, we feel exposed and alienated. By way of being social creatures, our sense of self is entwined within our relationships.

Those with a solid sense of self worth are open to occasional contrary feedback from others. We can filter the feedback to adjust our internal map of reality without feeling threatened. It enables us to function in the real world with greater efficacy and purposefulness. Nonetheless, this is a tall order for most.

From an evolutionary perspective, rejection from the tribe equated to exposure to enemies and the elements. Instinctively, we continue to carry a subconscious awareness that we need acceptance from others in order to survive.

Therefore, it is only natural that we persist with our enmeshment of self with other - we live and breathe in relationship. Indeed, it is because of this interdependence that we must be willing to risk trust. It is the only way to form alliances and bonds on various scales of connection.

Not all risks payoff.

People can be fickle, fake and unfriendly.

Disappointment causes us to lose belief in the authenticity of people. Defensively and reflexively, we start to close off from others whom may have offered a contrary encounter to our past.

Despite our reluctance and resentment, we have no choice but to carry on in relationship. Therefore, it is the quality of our relationships that distinguish the fully lived life from the marginal.

So where does this leave us?

Firstly, we must recognise that while it feels we are our emotions, in reality they are shifting sands. They ebb and flow simply with the passage of time. We are not as feeble as we feel.

Secondly, we must choose wisely those with whom we connect. Moreover, respect the level of intimacy others wish to share.

Thirdly, recognise the problem is not our own innate vulnerability, nor our desire to connect interdependently.

Fourthly, accept none of us is able to always respond to another's deepest expressions of self unconditionally. Precisely because we all share the same inner struggle with our own vulnerability.

And fifthly, make note many simply lack life experience in how to promote and perpetuate healing in relationships.

The truth is we all carry wounds. In that way, to some extent we all subconsciously pass on our bruises to those close to us. Indeed, damaged people damage others. It is a matter of degree. We must constantly assess whether we are growing up together or are dragging each other down.

To confront the quality of relationships requires a gentle awareness of how the trust dynamic plays out. We can then free ourselves from the fear of not being good enough, nor together enough, when someone does not respond to us as we had hoped.

Remember, we are more alike than different.

From understanding comes the capacity to make better decisions. Whilst understanding is the first step, without accepting control over our choices, understanding remains impotent. We must be willing to experiment with new and better behaviours.

There is no ultimate line in the sand when we cross over into being self developed.

Ironically, it is often exactly when we think we are close to reaching the finish line that life throws us back into the deep end. But it is that throwing back that makes us ever more compassionate to the trials and trip-ups of others.

We learn to love with a loose grip.

We learn that in our falling, others fall with us, and in rising back up we can lift others too.

In summary, trust is not something we have or don't have. Relationship exists along a constantly changing continuum. There is no right or wrong way of being with another. However, there are sensible and nonsensical ways. Trust is a playful pawing between distance and intimacy moment to moment.

We often ask,

Can I trust you?

A better question is,

What can I learn about you, and about myself from you?

To live in real relationship is risky, yet a life devoid of risk is to not really live at all.